Sshhhhhhhhh!!!!! Don’t tell him this post is all about him. And for Pete’s sake, don’t tell him about this picture, even though its a great one of him.
Ethan was 5 days late for his birth. He arrived with long skinny limbs that couldn’t wait to stretch out. It was as if the 41 weeks while inside me was just too cramped for him, and for the rest of his life, he would resist any activity that would require the bending and squishing and sqeezibility of his body. He could support his weight within the first two months of his life. He is our first born. I walked out of the hospital with apprehension, knowing that this deep souled innocent boy would come face to face with the harsh realities of a broken world. Part of me wanted to walk right back into the safety of the hospital, to protect him from what would come.
That protectiveness has not lessened, 15 years later. And I sense the ticking of a clock, knowing that these next 3 years are going to vanish in the blink of an eye. I have worked out my motherhood with a foundation of love, and admittedly, fear. I see in him great strengths and great struggle. These are some of the same struggles I have battled against, and still battle against, for 37 years. Oh, how I would love to take this burden from him! To teach him, make him understand and live into the truths that I am now only beginning to embrace. My thoughts have been, “just believe in yourself!”, “you have so much to offer, don’t doubt yourself,” “Have confidence, stick to your guns, and walk with purpose.” I want him to have direction and inspiration, to pursue it knowing that it’s okay to “fail” while trying with all his efforts anyway. Perhaps I’m projecting my weaknesses, my self doubts and insecurities onto him. Maybe he does not actually struggle with any of this and I do not know my son much at all.
This need to protect, this fear, is preventing me from fully enjoying him. And in this Year of Intentionality, I am going to work on enjoying him more. To put aside my worry, fear, and most importantly, my pride, to just enjoy this guy that God gave me, while I still have him under my roof as much as I do. God is inviting me to loosen up my grip, to release my ideas of how I think things should go in order to see how God is working. Because there is great beauty and freedom in that.
Stop seeking out the storms and enjoy more fully the sunlight.” ~ Gordon B. Hinckley