Okay, I know I shouldn’t complain. I mean, I’m not a coal miner or some other really bad job title, like “spider-eater” or fisherman, or an assistant to a proctologist. Not that those are bad things (with exception to spider-eater – which doesn’t exist I don’t think – but what if it would? I shudder.) Those are things that I would not be able to perform very well at. I hate tight spaces without fresh air, I get sea sick on Lake Redman on a still day, and I really don’t want to have to deal with asses each day, though I do (but that’s different – I’m talking literal butts here).
Anyway, what I’m saying is, things could be worse. How does the ant describe the mountain? One speck of dirt at a time. Speck dirt is not beautiful. A mountain is mesmerizing. What I’m viewing, day in day out, is speck dirt. It’s been a struggle for me to view anything larger than a boulder. I wear a ring on my finger (besides my wedding rings) to help remind me to keep everything in perspective during my day, to help me remember that I have a pretty big King on my side.
But still I stress. I stress beyond my pay grade. Not that I have a bad pay grade – it’s just that I stress excessively. I am not a laid back person, though I would love to be. I am not a multitasker. I focus hard on one thing – with all my energy – and complete it before moving on to the next task. That’s the ideal. But my job is not like that. I’m juggling ten things at once, being pulled in many directions. I’ve got my life saving billing/coding co-worker on Yahoo with intant-messanger, a patient or pharmacy on the phone waiting for my clarification, a doctor giving me instructions, a patient waiting for me in the waiting room, a patient waiting for me in the exam room, x-rays waiting to be developed, and prescriptions waiting to be escripted. People – I’m a blonde. I really can’t handle all this. So I take a deep breath and remind myself that somehow, things always work out and I’m in larger hands than my own. But it doesn’t stop me from stressing completely. It doesn’t stop my sarcastic humor, which is probably scaring the next to the newest newbie whom I’m training – poor thing.
In 2.5 weeks I’m on the beach my friends. I will be spending a full week with my hubby on Vacation, the first in 2 years. But I’m paying for it now – with a hectic work schedule for the next 2 weeks. I got a call from one of the docs at work today (I was in a different office). “Emily, there’s no note done on _________ and she was seen 3 weeks ago. What’s her story?” Uh, 3 weeks ago and hundreds of patients later – you expect me to remember? Well, thank God I did a bit. And thank God my life saver/billing/coding co-worker from upstairs saved all my notes on this patient. And what the heck happened that I missed writing this progress note? How humbling – don’t like to admit to mistakes.
I’m juggling a thousand balls in the air and God made me an expert juggler of two. There are constant loose ends to deal with and I’ve been trying to be okay with that. I’ve been raised with the mentality that when something needs to be done, it needs to be done immediately. If I didn’t adjust this mentality at work, I’d be working 12 hour days everyday and I’m not exaggerating. (note: I’m part-time). Some things just have to wait. Because I’m one person. And believe it or not, I’m not a miracle worker. Besides that, I’m a natural blonde. Which is very apparent to my co-workers at times. (I’m sorry guys).
I come home from work and wonder who is watching my kids the next day, what shift my hubby is working, if he has court in the coming week, what days he has off, and all the family schedule/life that home has to throw into the mix. I just want to cry sometimes – if only I had the energy – how is it possible to not make mistakes? I DO NOT want to make mistakes. It makes me look bad. And I like to look good.A lesson that I’ve been learning these past 3 years is that I need to enjoy each moment. To love on my family whenever I am in their presence, to not wish away the present for the future where utopia resides (don’t we all think things will be better in the future – it’s called hope I guess). To live fully in the moment – making an impact wherever and however I can, because I have no idea how the next moment will change my life.
So these hectic, cry at the end of the day kind of days are to be treasured somehow. And I’m learning to. I am living life fully. Striving to serve my Maker, grow deeper in relationship with Him. All-the-while extending His glory as best as this sinner can, loving my family and friends as best as I can – though I am human and fallible – and to be present to the abundant life that God has promised and is delivering.
But sometimes it feels like exhaustion.
And sometimes I just want to escape to the sun, sand, sea.
Switchfoot’s Afterlife – click on link for a cool applicable to this post music video.